


The Secrets That She Keeps

by easilydistractedbyfanfic



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Cussing, Drunk Echo messes up and then tries to fix it, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Finn Cheats, Flashbacks, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Raven's just fooling herself, Ugly Cups, Yeah for real ugly cups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-16 07:40:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19313668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easilydistractedbyfanfic/pseuds/easilydistractedbyfanfic
Summary: Raven doesn't like lying to Murphy, but it feels like the only way to keep their friendship from imploding





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I went to the thrift store and saw some seriously hideous plastic cups. I wish I took a picture.  
> I thought about these cups a lot on the way home. This is the result. Yes, seriously.  
> 📣 Also, this is my 20th Murven fic! Yay!  
> 📣 Also, also - I tried to write this with a rating other than Explicit. The characters just laughed at me. They said LOL, nope.  
> 📣 Also part 3 - I am not the kindest to Emori in this story. It is for plot and not an exact reflection on what I think in canon. But if even the slightest not nice towards her is not your thing, then this story won't be either.  
> 

* * *

We used to laugh, we used to hug  
The way that old friends do  
But now a smile and a touch of your hand  
Just make me come unglued  
It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth  
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you

Complicated ~ Carolyn Dawn Johnson

 

“Fuck off, Echo! I’m not saying it again - just go away!” Raven slams her bedroom door shut, so angry she’s shaking. She barely gets a shuddering breath in before Echo yanks the door open behind her, refusing to give up and crowding into her space.

 

“I know, and I’m _so_ sorry! I didn’t mean it, you know that! It was a complete accident and it’s my fault for having too much to drink, of course it was, but I never expected the topic to turn to you!”

 

Raven glares at her roommate. “Echo! I don’t care _how_ drunk you were! I told you that in confidence and last night you all but spelled it out to the very last person who should know about it!”

 

Echo visibly deflates, collapsing onto Raven’s bed as she practically oozes remorse. “I know! I _know_ , and I feel so bad about it I wish you would hit me! I feel horrible and I have no idea how to make this up to you.”

 

Closing her eyes and letting loose a huge sigh, Raven sits down next to her friend, not quite ready to forgive but feeling slightly mollified that Echo was wracked with guilt over the huge mess. Their friends had a standing group get-together night each week, but Raven had worked overtime to cover an ill co-workers shift and she hadn’t made it to their favorite neighborhood pub to join everyone, instead choosing to come home and go to bed. Bellamy had texted from Echo’s phone, late, letting Raven know that her roommate wouldn’t return until sometime the next day but was safe at his place, and Echo had slumped through the door about an hour ago, eventually stammering out a hazy confession that she’d hung out with Bellamy and Murphy in the bar after everyone else left, much drunker than the two of them were, and had somehow let loose a big chunk of Raven’s deepest secret.

 

“I just can’t believe Murphy basically knows I lied. What if he says something about it? I never lied to him about anything before this, and I only did it because I freaked out and was afraid I’d hurt him. And now it’s worse, because I didn’t just lie in the moment, I’ve let him believe something that isn’t true for the last couple of years and now he knows just what an awful person I am.” Raven shakes her head helplessly, getting to the source of what’s really bothering her. Yes, she’s angry Echo spilled the beans, but this has been hanging over her head for ages, and honestly she never expected to get away with it for this long anyway.

 

“You think he's happy though, right? Maybe now that he’s got Emori, this’ll barely even be a blip on his radar. I mean, I did a very bad thing by blabbing about you, I totally own that and you have every right to be furious with me… But the thing is, is it really going to matter to him, years later, that you lied about being so drunk you didn’t remember the details that time you two had sex?”

 

Stomach clenching in response, Raven doesn’t know how to answer, doesn’t know which would be worse - that Murphy would care… or that he wouldn’t. _And hasn’t that been the question since the very night it happened_ , a little voice taunts inside her mind.

 

Echo keeps talking when she doesn’t get an immediate reply, but Raven tunes her out and lets herself remember.

 

*

 

 _Just over two years before_ …

 

It would have to be raining, Raven fumes, stomping through another puddle in the apartment complex parking lot, her clothes soaked through and hair a sopping mess since she ran out without an umbrella. She hadn’t even worn a jacket, only having the presence of mind to take her keys and cellphone after she’d ran to her dorm, crying so hard she could barely see when she left Finn’s. She’d gone to her own place on autopilot, but as soon as she’d walked through the door she had known that she hadn’t really wanted to be alone with her thoughts. She’d tried calling Octavia, her go-to angry friend, but she hadn’t picked up, and out of patience, Raven had just left, only realizing where she was headed once she was already halfway there.

 

It’s Murphy who opens the door, and the slightly pleased grin on his face fades immediately into concern once he gets a good look at her. “Jesus, you look like whatever it is they say the cat dragged in. Get in here and I’ll get you a towel or something.” He encircles her wrist when she hesitates, frozen to the spot, and gently tugs her inside out of the downpour as she thinks about what to say. Murphy had never liked Finn, and the last thing she wants to hear is ‘I told you so’, but even though she’d called Octavia first, she knows Murphy is the one who can probably make her feel better the fastest. He’s her best friend, has been since high school, and while he would never gloat about something like this, he might not be able to help himself from being smug about how right he was either.

 

He must sense something is off though, because he doesn’t snark at her as he leads her through the apartment, passing Miller’s room and going into his own. He pushes her down to sit on the closed lid of the toilet in his bathroom, her hair dripping water everywhere and her shoes squeaking on the tile floor. Leaving her there as she violently shivers, he opens his closet, pulling out a few folded, soft navy towels. When she doesn’t make a move to take them from him, he piles them on the counter next to the sink, his eyes narrowing as he tries to figure out what’s going on.

 

“You’re freezing in these soaked clothes, Reyes. I’m gonna turn on a hot shower for you and give you privacy while you get in and get warm, alright? Leave your wet stuff on the floor and I’ll come back in a little bit with some dry things for you to put on, and I’ll take these to the dryer. Can you do that?”

 

She forces herself to nod, her teeth starting to clack together as she feels another chill run through her, and Murphy turns quickly to pull the shower curtain aside, starting the spray as he mutters something under his breath. She doesn’t catch most of it, but she does hear a few curse words and wonders if he’s angry with her. She’ll probably tell him all of it, once she can talk without shaking, so whatever temper he’s in will likely end up focused away from her anyway.

 

Sighing loudly, she leans down, intending to unlace her boots and take off her brace, but her fingers are slippery and trembling. Murphy finishes adjusting the water and she can feel his gaze on her as she unsuccessfully tries to untie the wet knot at the top of her boot. He crosses the short distance between them and drops to his knees in front of her.

 

“Let me do it, otherwise you’re never going to get them off.”

 

Far more patiently than she would be capable of, he works out the knot, sliding one boot and then the other off her feet, tugging off her damp socks before he props her left foot on his thigh to undo her brace. He’s not practiced with it like she is, so it takes a few minutes until she can see it loosen.

 

“Alright?” He stands up, looking expectantly at her as the bathroom starts to fill up with steam.

 

“My hands are still really cold. D’you think you could take my ponytail out too? It’s tight.”

 

Murphy moves closer in lieu of a response, his hand tipping her head down so he can try to slip his finger into the elastic band. Eventually he figures it out, only pulling a few hairs in the process, and more water drips onto her and the floor once it’s done.

 

“I’ll wait a little while,” he reminds her, “and then I’ll leave dry clothes for you and take the wet ones. I'll knock first.”

 

She stands up stiffly, mostly just to show him she’s capable of doing the next part herself and isn’t going to stay slumped on the toilet once he leaves her alone. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror out of the corner of her eye, she’s honestly taken aback by just how pitiful she looks, and it must be written on her face, because Murphy grunts and jerks his chin her way.

 

“Yeah, if drowned rat was the image you were going for, you really hit the nail on the head.”

 

“Shut up, Murphy.” The response is instinctive, completely typical of how they act with each other, but she’s tempted to apologize after how helpful he’s been, and she turns towards the doorway to do exactly that when she sees her sarcastic reply has actually made Murphy lose the rigid set to his shoulders. He must’ve been more worried about her than he was letting on, she realizes, so she pastes on her best imitation of a reassuring smile and gestures vaguely at the shower behind her.

 

“I might be in here a little while,” she explains.

 

“S’okay. Hot water’s included in the rent.” He grins at her then, a real one, before he pulls the door closed, and she’s glad that Octavia didn’t pick up the phone after all.

 

*

 

Raven’s not sure how long she stays in Murphy’s shower, but she knows he must have heard her sobbing when he knocked quietly and left the dry clothes behind. He was polite enough not to say anything, but she still feels weird because she’s never been one for tears and she wonders what he thinks about her now.

 

She dries off and wraps her hair in one of the fluffy towels, finally feeling mostly warm again. There’s a pair of plaid flannel pajama pants and a long-sleeved henley on the counter for her, both in shades of gray. Her bra and underwear were both soaked through, but all her drenched clothes are gone from the floor, even the wet puddle wiped up, and she refuses to think about how Murphy was probably cleaning it while her muffled sobs echoed through the small room.

 

The mirror is fogged up and useless, so she opens the door back into Murphy’s bedroom and crosses over to his dresser so she can see if she looks any better. Her eyes are red but even though her hair is still wet, it’s not as bad as how she’d looked coming in from the rain. She runs her fingers through the strands at her shoulders, untangling knots as she goes, and she almost pulls open a drawer to look for some socks before she remembers her manners and decides to ask first. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she rolls up the pants but leaves the edges of the shirt sleeves even though they hang down over her palms. It’s soothing to have the soft fabric under her fingertips, and frankly, she’ll take whatever comfort she can get.

 

There’s a hook on the back of his door so she leaves her towel there, stepping out into the hallway and finding Murphy in the kitchen, stirring something on the stove. He looks up when he hears her.

 

“Hey. I didn’t know if you were hungry, but it’s past dinner. There’s soup and French bread if you want it. It’s what I was planning to eat anyway, so I just made extra.”

 

“Thanks. I am kind of hungry.” It’s not quite true, actually, since her stomach is in knots still, but the chances are really high Murphy made the soup himself and might’ve just defrosted some he had in the freezer, and she knows better than to pass up the chance for any of his cooking.

 

“We can eat in the living room and watch a movie or something, get drunk if that’s what you need. Miller’s gone this weekend, back to his parents for a visit.”

 

 _That’s right, it’s Friday,_ Raven remembers. She was supposed to spend her weekend studying at Finn’s place. _Guess that fell through_ , she scoffs, and it’s funny enough to her that she laughs, causing Murphy to look at her in confusion.

 

“It’s nothing,” she dismisses. “But I’m really sorry if I’ve interrupted your plans. I wasn’t really thinking clearly on my way over here. And getting drunk sounds perfect.”

 

He shrugs and puts two bowls of soup on the coffee table as she snuggles into her usual spot on his couch.

 

“I didn’t have any plans. I was just going to catch up on a few shows, study and maybe do some meal prep if I didn’t end up saying screw it all and sleep instead.”

 

She hopes he’s telling her the truth, though she’s skeptical. Murphy isn’t always partying, and he does value his alone time, however it’s not often that he doesn’t have plans for a Friday night. She pushes down the desire to press him a little more, to make sure she’s not intruding, because even if she did ruin his evening, she’s grateful he’s letting her. Curling her legs under her, she leans forward and grabs the bowl of warm soup. They eat in silence for a little while as Murphy flicks through the channels and kicks his feet onto the table, his mouth curving up as he eventually finds something that pleases him. It’s the second film in the trilogy, _The Two Towers_ , and it’s as good as anything else, so she nods at his expectant look.

 

When they finish, he collects the bowls and goes into the kitchen, and she hears him rummaging around in the cabinets. He returns with a bottle of rum tucked under his arm, two familiar ugly plastic cups with ice and a fresh bottle of Coke.

 

“Oh my god! I can’t believe you still have those awful cups!”

 

“Well, they’re practically tradition, aren’t they, and what better way to get drunk than the way we used to do it back in high school?”

 

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I can’t believe the stuff we got into back then. How neither of us ever got arrested, I still don’t know.” Raven takes the garish yellow and orange plastic monstrosity, the one she always used to drink from, thinking back to all those times she and Murphy had blown off class together and tried to escape from their various problems. It's nice to know he never threw them out, even though they are completely hideous. 

 

“We had plenty of detentions to make up for it, and besides, you’re practically a saint now, so it’s high time you remember your roots.” Murphy pours a generous amount into both containers, swirling hers around before handing it over.

 

Sainthood might be taking it a little far, but Murphy had a point. They’d each straightened out after high school, relishing the freedom of college, and Murphy had flourished as soon as he moved out of his mother’s booze-soaked apartment. Raven had had it a little better, residing in foster care with a couple who cared about her and still did, but high school had been ridiculously easy and she was often bored. Being partnered randomly with John Murphy in ninth grade Biology class had been a twist of fate neither of them had expected, yet here they were, six years later, still best friends but better behaved and a lot more responsible.  

 

She waits for him to pour his own alcohol and raises hers in a toast. Maybe Murphy might roll his eyes, but she’s already feeling emotional and the sight of those stupid plastic cups has her feeling nostalgic too. “Thanks for putting up with me.”

 

He bumps his drink against hers and sighs dramatically. “You _are_ a lot of work.”

 

“Hey, I was trying to be nice!” Raven grabs the couch pillow to her right and smacks it against Murphy’s leg, and he lifts his cup high to prevent it from spilling.

 

“Alright, alright. I guess you’re worth a bit of work and extra cooking. Now either watch the movie, get drunk, or tell me what’s upsetting you.” Murphy snatches the pillow out of her hands and tucks it behind his own back, leaving her without it.

 

“Gonna need some more to drink first,” she decides, and takes a huge gulp of the rum mixture to get started.

 

*

 

They’re well into the third movie before she feels like her tongue is loose enough to share. It’s been a lot more than three rum and Cokes, although she thinks Murphy might be slightly outpacing her. He left the room for a little while, and when he came back, his hair was wet and he smelled like the same soap she had used in his shower. The pajama pants he changed into are similar to hers, but his arms are bare in a t-shirt, and to his credit, he only stumbles a little bit when he walks back to the couch.

 

He’s in the process of refilling their cups again when she blurts it out. “Finn cheated on me.”

 

The soda he’s pouring spills onto the coffee table, and he tugs off a sock and frantically wipes it up before it gets onto the carpet, his eyes turning to her with sympathy in them. “Shit, Raven, I’m sorry. Are you sure that’s what happened?”

 

“Oh, I’m fucking sure, alright.” She picks at a wayward thread at the edge of her sleeve. “I went over to his place after class. We were supposed to study together tonight, but obviously he forgot. He didn’t answer the door, and I thought maybe he got delayed since he was coming from class too, so I used my key. I heard noises from the bedroom, and my mind went there immediately.” Raven looks up at him, still confused how she’d known right away what was happening. “I mean, it wasn’t blatant sex noises, just that I could tell someone was in there. I don’t know why I jumped right to cheating, but I did. And then like an idiot, I opened the bedroom door and saw him in bed with some blonde chick.”

 

“Fuck that asshole,” Murphy swears, a dangerous scowl on his face. “Did he even offer you an explanation, not that there even is one?”

 

“He didn’t see me. I wasn’t loud and I just… turned around and left the way I came. It started to rain when I was almost to my dorm, but once I got there, I decided I didn’t want to be alone and walked back out again.”

 

“Raven, damn, I don’t even know what to say, other than I’m sorry this happened.”

 

“I know you never liked him. It’s okay, you can say ‘I told you so’ - I should have listened to you.”

 

“Hey, it’s true I didn’t really like the guy that much. He joked around all the time, didn’t take anything seriously…”. Murphy trails off and shrugs as he seems to consider what to say. “He wasn’t good enough for you, but if I had known something like this was coming, I would’ve told you. Still, regardless of any of it, I’d never rub this in your face, jesus.”

 

Distressed at the twinge of hurt in his voice, Raven reaches out and grabs his hand, anxious that she’d insulted him. “Oh, Murphy, I’m sorry! I know, I know you wouldn’t do that. I just feel so stupid, and I really _should_ have listened to you! He was just so nice to me in the beginning, and I liked his parents so much. I trusted him.” She feels the hot sting of tears in her eyes again at the sheer vastness of this mess. Finn’s parents would be out of her life just like he would be, and she’d miss them and the way they’d always seemed to appreciate her. Another uncomfortable sob escapes her throat, and she looks anywhere but at Murphy, embarrassed at how she’s falling apart.

 

“You’re not stupid. Come here,” he urges gently, leaning forward and using her grip on his hand to tug her closer and into his embrace. Her tears fall onto the fabric at his shoulder as she adjusts her legs so she can circle her arms around his middle, and as awful as it is to lose control in front of someone else, it’s also really nice to be held while she’s doing it.

 

Gradually her crying slows again, her breath shaky, and Murphy manages to grab her cup without fully releasing her, only shifting her to the side a little so he can reach. She stays there, tucked under his arm and rests her head on his shoulder after she sips, the alcohol barely a burn as it goes down since she’s had so many. He doesn’t move away, isn’t acting awkward about it, and he’s so warm and reassuring against her. She takes another drink and decides it’s okay to lean on her best friend, both figuratively and literally.

 

She's not clear on how much longer she lasts, but at some point she must close her eyes and fall asleep, because she awakens to Murphy squeezing her shoulder and calling her name. Her vision is blurry, unfocused, and as she sits up and tries to get her bearings, she notices the two empty cups and the very empty bottle of rum on the table.

 

“Oh god, my head is pounding. How much did we drink?” She carefully stretches the kink out of her neck and it feels like the apartment floor tilts underneath her.

 

“Ugh, we finished that a while ago, and then you fell asleep. The fucking room is spinning, right? It’s like two AM, I think, and it’s still raining hard. Obviously you’re staying here. You can sleep in my bed and I’ll take the couch.” Murphy stands, unsteady, pushing a hand through his hair to rub at his head. It makes his hair stick up at odd angles, and Raven laughs as she squints at him, not having much luck getting to her own feet.

 

“I don’t want to be by myself, it’s depressing. Your bed is big enough and if we put music on, maybe you won’t hear me if I start to cry again.”

 

“Fine. This couch sucks to sleep on anyway. You get the headache pills from my bathroom and I’ll get waters.”

 

He bumps his shin on the coffee table trying to walk around her to the kitchen, a barrage of curse words coming out of his mouth, and it’s not funny but it _is_ , and it makes her laugh again as she walks into the arm of the couch. She figures out if she keeps her hand against the wall, it makes the floor easier to navigate, and she turns slowly to tell Murphy about her discovery, but a crash in the kitchen suggests he might be distracted.

 

After using his bathroom, rinsing her mouth with his mouthwash and finding the pills in a drawer, she goes into his room, collecting a few things before pulling the covers back on the bed and dropping her brace on the floor. It’s much nicer in the dark but she struggles to open the childproof bottle once she’s under the blankets. Finally she gets it, taking the pills out one by one before putting the container on Murphy’s nightstand. She snuggles her face into the pillow as she waits for him, picking up the faint scent of his laundry detergent mixed with his cologne.

 

“You’re on my side of the bed,” Murphy informs her, “and why are you sniffing my pillow?”

 

“It smells nice and I’m not moving. Give me water.”

 

He hands her a glass, precariously full, and she drinks quite a bit along with the medicine, hoping to stave off a hangover whenever she wakes. She gives him his pills and watches as he crosses the room, still for a moment as he swallows them down and goes into the bathroom. When he comes out, he turns to his desk, his back to her. He must fiddle with some music, because a few moments later she can hear The Lumineers start to sing about leaving town with your windows down.

 

“No judgments about the music,” he grumbles, climbing into the other side of the bed. “I never sleep on this side.”

 

“I got here first, loser, so suck it up. And anyway, I like this song. I don’t think I’m gonna puke, but I pulled your desk trash can on my side, and your bathroom one is on yours, just in case.”

 

“Good call. We’re gonna feel it in the morning.”

 

“Mmm, but I still expect you to make me breakfast.”

 

“See, work, just like I said.”

 

Raven can hear the smug grin in his tone and her own lips curve upwards tiredly. “Go to sleep, Murphy.”

 

*

 

She wakes from a bad dream that she doesn’t remember, but sleep escapes her afterwards and the tears come again as lonely-sounding music plays on in the dark and quiet room. She tries hard to muffle it, doesn’t even want to cry any more since it only makes her head hurt worse and her eyes feel gritty and sore, but it’s barely under her control.

 

“Sorry,” she sniffles out when she feels Murphy’s eyes blink open and settle on her face.

 

He makes a sleepy grunt that’s hard to interpret, but his hand collides with her thigh and thumps twice, so she assumes it means he’s letting her know it’s okay. His eyes shut again after a few moments, and she waits until another song starts to play before cautiously whispering the painful thought that’s been sweeping through her brain.

 

“I’ve been so busy lately...maybe I just wasn’t a very good girlfriend.”

 

His eyes pop back open immediately, and the hand that’s still on her thigh rubs a small circle near her knee, meant to soothe. “Don’t even think it, Reyes. This shit is on _him_ , not you, and anything you did or didn’t do wouldn’t deserve what he’s pulled.”

 

It’s a good feeling, someone coming immediately to her defense, and she wants to tell him so, but her fuzzy head and stinging eyes aren’t cooperating. Instead, she scoots over the few inches between them until she can nudge him onto his back and fold herself into his side so she can lay her head on his chest. Being held on the couch earlier made her feel better, and she wants that again.

 

Murphy’s motionless underneath her ear at first, but then his arm comes around her, giving her the solace she was looking for. She’s sleepy, still half-drunk on the rum, and her heart is aching and bruised while the feminine voice wafting over her is singing about driving down to the coast and jumping into the sea, and it all combines somehow as she leans up and kisses him.

 

It’s impulsive, she didn’t expect anything in particular because she didn’t even know she was going to do it, but her mouth against his shakes the foundation of their relationship forever for her. He kisses her back immediately, but the magnitude of it is all too brief before his hands grip her shoulders and he holds her away from him as he stares at her, his eyes wide and darkened.

 

“What the hell, Raven?” His breathing is harsh, and she’s pretty sure hers is too, but she can’t think straight, and the thud of his heart under her palm has synched up with hers in a rhythm she can’t ignore, doesn’t want to anyway.

 

She tilts her head back down slowly, watching him and the various emotions flickering through his shocked blue eyes that she knows so well. Just before her lips meet his again, she sees surrender, and it sends a flood of heat through her. It’s not a gentle kiss, half-desperate really, but it makes her dizzy, especially when his hands slip up into her hair and behind her neck, hauling her closer. They kiss for what feels like ages, and it's new and so familiar and perfect and she can't quite figure out if she's imagining things or not. 

 

Her fingers probe under the hem of his t-shirt, skating over his stomach and chest as his muscles jump in reaction to her touch. He’s so hot and solid beneath her hands, but there’s too much clothing between them, she needs it gone, and he helps her get it up and over his head without saying a word and barely breaking their heated kisses.

 

Everything has a dreamlike quality to it, hazy and out of focus, but the sensations building inside her are so big, so intense. Somehow their clothes disappear and her skin pressed to his has her writhing urgently against him as he mouths at her jaw, her neck, her breasts and belly. Time feels different, longer and shorter and all mixed together. It’s too much to process, her body can’t contain the exhilaration it feels with his head between her legs, so she moans noisily, and comes with his name like a prayer being ripped out of her.

 

Thighs still trembling from her release are spread wider without warning as Murphy situates himself between her legs, his breath hot against her cheek just before he roughly slips his tongue into her mouth at the same time he thrusts inside. It steals the air from her lungs, forces her head back in utter bliss with the way he feels, the way he fills her. Her toes curl when he raises her bad knee higher on his hip, her fingernails none-too-gentle as she grips his back tightly. He plunges into her deep, over and over, grinding himself hard and fast until he starts to lose his control. All it takes is a few firm drags through her slick with his thumb to push her into another blinding climax, and he’s right behind her, face buried in her neck as he throbs inside her, gasping her name.

 

Raven holds him to her, keeping herself wrapped snug around him, heart hammering beneath her ribs like it might break open her chest. Aftershocks ripple through her and she shivers, the only thought fluttering through her stunned mind being that everything has changed.

 

*

 

This time when her eyes open, the light sneaking in through Murphy’s blinds makes her squint, in turn setting off a new headache. Her throat is dry, eyes scratchy and tender, and it takes her a moment to realize she’s naked and sprawled over her best friend. He’s on his back and she’s mostly on top of him, leg hiked up over his waist, her breasts crushed against his chest. If she lifts her head, she’s sure she’ll bump his chin and wake him, and she’s so not ready for a confrontation.

 

She shifts her leg slightly, feeling stiff, and she bites her lip at the wetness that leaks between her legs with the movement. They hadn’t used protection, hadn’t even brought it up, but she was on birth control so it shouldn’t be a problem. She had always been extra cautious though, and she and Finn had used condoms every time since the first time, without fail. This was new, and the awareness of Murphy’s come inside her and smeared on her thighs was inexplicably turning her on. She swallows the feeling down, determined to ignore how her fingers want to explore his hip bones and the curve of his ass.

 

Was it only hours ago that she had walked in on Finn cheating? She’d sought Murphy out for comfort, knowing he could make her feel better, and what had she done in the face of his affection for her - she’d kissed him, without considering the consequences, and even in her hungover state she remembered it was she who had made that first move. The alcohol had played a part, and so had the heartbreak, but she’d done something she shouldn’t’ve when she’d tasted his lips, and now everything was on the brink of ruin.

 

Sure, Murphy had responded, but he’d had more to drink than she had, and maybe he’d even thought he was making her feel better, she didn’t know. It didn’t matter why he did it, not when it was her fault, and the last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt him. It doesn’t matter either, that the sex was beyond anything she’d experienced before, because she was all jumbled up, confused about Finn and Murphy and the feelings they each stirred inside her. The cheating, the pain of having to break up with Finn hurts like hell, but there’s no way she could cope with losing Murphy as her friend. The absolute certainty of that thought makes up her mind, and she realizes what she has to do with a heavy heart.

 

In the almost five years they’ve been friends, she’s never lied to Murphy before. She’s going to now. She’s going to pretend that she was still drunk enough not to remember the details of what happened, to let it be something casual and stupid that two friends fell into after indulging in too much rum, and she’s not going to tell him how disjointed her thoughts are over it. She’s going to pretend that everything is the same while she sorts out her feelings, and she’ll deflect every question and comment he might have for her until he buys her story completely. She’ll act exactly the same as she always has, even if it’s painful, in order to sell this lie. It’s going to eat at her, being dishonest with him, but it’s a small price to keep his friendship, and maybe, eventually, she’ll be able to look at him without remembering how he felt inside her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs playing on the radio are:  
> "Angela" - The Lumineers and "Eastside" - Benny Blanco, Halsey & Khalid  
> 💕 As always, comments & kudos much appreciated, and a special and very heartfelt THANK YOU to those of you who pretty much read everything I write. You're a big reason why we're at #20!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! First of all, this is late! If you saw a post I made on tumblr, you'll know I accidentally deleted a chunk of this fic during the editing process, which caused a delay since I had to rewrite it from memory. Oh, that was PAINFUL and my own fault for being in a rush too. This is also much longer than the first chapter, getting close to 13k, so make sure you have some time to settle in and get comfy! 
> 
> But the delay does mean that I am posting this exactly one year from the date that I posted my very first AO3 fics! In roughly 12 months (I posted nothing in December, too busy!), I posted 20 stories, a word count over 300k, over 30k hits, and tons of bookmarks, kudos & comments. I've enjoyed every moment of it, but THE BEST thing, the absolute best, is all of you who have left me comments that turned into conversations that turned into tumblr following that has turned into DMs where we pick apart the show and whine about why the potential of this pairing hasn't happened yet! Thanks for that! xoxoxo  
> 

* * *

I'm so scared that the way that I feel  
Is written all over my face  
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place  
We used to laugh, we used to hug  
The way that old friends do  
But now a smile and a touch of your hand  
Just make me come unglued  
It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth  
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you

Complicated ~ Carolyn Dawn Johnson

 

 

“Jeez, did you even hear me,” Echo asks, perturbed her friend doesn’t seem to be paying attention. 

 

Raven shakes her head, pulling herself back from the past memories of that fateful night with Murphy. “Sorry, no. What did you say?”

 

“I said that you and Murphy have been friends now for what, like seven years? I hardly think he’s going to throw all that away over this. I mean… I don’t know how to say this delicately, exactly, but Raven… you told me that it knocked your socks off, and I get why you decided to lie about it, but he’s never brought it up since then, right, so maybe it really was just a drunk thing for him, and you’re better off having lied about your feelings and now you guys can just laugh about it.”

 

Her jaw clenches at Echo’s suggestion, and as much as it pains her to think of it that way, maybe it really would be better to brush it off and forget it. It was completely possible Murphy wouldn’t even be fazed by Echo’s revealing comments that Raven actually remembered the sex between them, despite what he’s believed since it happened. 

 

“Maybe. I don’t know. Part of me wants to just clear the air between us so there’s no more secrets, but then that would mean that I have to tell him that I think Emori’s a bitch, and I’m not about to do _that_ , so what’s the point of telling him I remember the sex and why I lied about it in the first place if I’m still going to be keeping other secrets and he’s got a girlfriend?”

 

Echo winces in sympathy. She and Raven had moved into an apartment together the summer after Finn cheated, and they’d gotten through the last two years of college and were now out in the so-called ‘real world’ with most of their other friends. Echo had been at the party with them all on the night Murphy had introduced his new girlfriend, Emori, to the group, and she’d overheard what Emori had said to Raven then, and hadn’t taken to her both because of that and the other incidents that had happened afterwards. 

 

“I still can’t believe she confronted you like that in the hallway of Harper and Monty’s place. Like, what the hell! And did she not think that the person in the bathroom, aka _me_ wasn’t going to hear her?”

 

Raven shrugs. “I can’t say what she was thinking, other than I guess she just wanted to mark her territory.” 

 

The gathering hadn’t been a big one, a handful of their friends having fun, and Raven had gone to wait in the hallway for her turn at the bathroom. Emori had followed soon after, and had made an abrupt comment about knowing that Raven had slept with Murphy. Raven had tried to assure her it wasn’t a secret in their friend group, and that of course she expected Murphy to be honest about it, that it was just something that had happened one night when they had both been drunk, before Emori had even met him. The continued lie had burned coming out as it always did though. At that point it had been over a year since it had happened, and it was a little easier to fool herself that it really had been meaningless until she found out Murphy was bringing a date to the party. She squashed the jealousy down, knowing that Murphy wouldn’t bother bringing anyone around that he wasn’t at least partially serious about. 

 

Emori hadn’t seemed to care about Raven’s answer, making a point to tell her that Murphy was _her_ boyfriend, and that Emori wasn’t going to let some ‘bitch best friend’ get between them. Raven had never minded bluntness, but the only thing that had stopped her from telling Emori to get the fuck out of her face was the knowledge that Murphy had looked happy as they all hung out. Still, the incident had started them off on poor footing, and when the bathroom door had banged open and Echo had stalked out, asking what the hell Emori’s problem was and having overheard the whole conversation, the three of them have never gotten along well since. 

 

“Well, that wasn’t the worst one, and I can’t believe you aren’t telling him how she’s treated you.” It’s nothing Echo hasn’t said before in the months since Murphy started dating Emori, but Raven doesn’t want to hear it again. 

 

“Enough. There’s no point,” Raven says emphatically, while Echo scowls at being quieted. 

 

“Oh, there’s a point, alright,” she fumed, “But I’ll drop that _for now_ , because you still haven’t told me how your last date with Shaw went and I need all the juicy details.”

 

Raven leaves the bed and goes over to her dresser, idly picking up her brush and sweeping it through her hair. “There’s nothing to tell. We went to dinner, ate some good food and then watched a movie back at his place.”

 

“Damn, Raven! You started seeing him over a month ago, and you _still_ haven’t slept with him?” Echo’s almost incredulous over it, and Raven does feel a little strange confessing it. 

 

“What’s stopping you? Do you even like him?” 

 

She spins, looking back at Echo on the bed, unsure how to answer. “I do like him, it’s just...I dunno. He’s so _into_ me, and I’m out of practice and the longer we go without it happening, the weirder it feels.”

 

“And here I thought you were a genius,” Echo teases. “If you want it to happen, just jump him already! The dude is definitely into you - he’s not going to say no.”

 

Not knowing how to put her feelings into words, Raven remains silent, but Echo picks up on her hesitancy and walks over, grabbing Raven’s shoulders in a comforting squeeze. 

 

“Hey, I know I just put a serious dent in my trustworthiness, but it’s okay that you’re out of practice. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to, Raven. I’m sorry that I’ve complicated things between you and Murphy, but you do need to sort out exactly what you’re going to do about him, and that might affect what you do with Shaw, too.”

 

Raven sighs, knowing Echo’s right, but unsure what to do. It wasn’t deliberate, but with the breakup from Finn and then the increased workload she’d taken on to distract her from that and her convoluted feelings about Murphy, Raven hadn’t dated much in the last two years, and she certainly hadn’t had sex with anyone. She told herself she could any time she wanted to, but that was looking less and less like reality the longer she put things off with Shaw, especially because he’d made his interest more than obvious. 

 

 _Maybe it was on purpose_ , she thought, acknowledging to herself that the night with Murphy had long been the primary go-to fantasy in her brain, and barring another encounter with _him_ , she’d been content to leave it that way all this time. It wasn’t healthy what she was doing, not when he was with someone else and she’d been practically ignoring any chance for a relationship out of fear of being burned again, like with Finn, or nothing living up to the idea of what she and Murphy could be, if only the timing would work out. 

 

Nodding, she leans in to Echo for a hug. “You’re right. I can’t keep living in this limbo. I’ll sleep with him at the house party for O and Lincoln’s engagement party next weekend.”

 

It’s not exactly the response Echo was looking for, but she just wants her friend to be happy. “If that’s what you _want_ , then you know I support it completely.”

 

Raven doesn’t say a word, but the embrace lasts longer than usual, and that tells Echo everything she needs to know. 

 

*

 

It’s late, past ten pm when the knock on the door comes, and Murphy rushes to answer since Miller’s already asleep, having an early shift with the police department in the morning. He looks cautiously out the peephole and is surprised to see Echo alone on their front patio. He opens the door, ushering her in quietly. 

 

“Hey, is everything okay? Miller’s sleeping, let’s go closer to the kitchen.”

 

She follows behind him nervously, and Murphy’s starting to get worried. He and Echo are friends, but mostly because she’s Bellamy’s girlfriend and Raven’s roommate, and he doesn’t remember ever spending time alone with her before. 

 

“Everything is fine. Well, mostly. Everybody’s safe, at least. As far as I know, anyway.”

 

Murphy raises an eyebrow. “You sound like you could use a drink. You want one?”

 

“Yes, but I’m not staying, so no. Listen, I’m not even sure this is a good idea. I probably shouldn’t have come, but I’ve already stuck my foot in my mouth once already, so what’s one more time a few days later, huh?”

 

Leaning back against the counter and folding his arms in front of his chest, Murphy grins at Echo’s babble. “You know I have no idea what you’re talking about, right?”

 

Echo tucks her hair behind her ear in frustration. “Look, Murphy. We both love Raven, and I think she’s about to make a mistake, something I might’ve pushed her into a little last night, even though I didn’t mean to, and I’m hoping maybe you can stop it.” When he stands up a little straighter at Raven’s name, she knows she’s not misreading the situation, and her shoulders release some of their tension. 

 

The mention of Raven gets his attention, and he’s well aware Echo can see that. He’s been trying to avoid thinking of her these last few days, an unsuccessful attempt of course, and hearing her name out loud has his skin prickling with awareness, so he almost yells at Echo to hurry up and spit out whatever she’s trying to tell him. 

 

“I… haven’t talked to her lately,” he says instead, and the dirty look Echo throws him tells him what she thinks about _that_. 

 

“I know you haven’t, idiot. Don’t think I don’t know why, either. It’s my fault, after all. I should never have opened my big mouth, but here I am, about to do it again. Maybe _I’m_ the idiot.” Echo is sure this is the right thing to do, but it’s still nerve-wracking at how wrong it could go, and even if it works, she’s still kind of spilling another secret or two in the process. She hopes Murphy can add a few things together so she doesn’t have to be a complete rat. 

 

“I’m really confused right now, and not just about why you’re here. I mean, Raven always said she was drunk that night and didn’t remember everything that happened... To find out maybe that’s not true? Kinda throwing me for a loop.”

 

“That’s something you’re going to have to talk to Raven about, and honestly, I thought you’d have done it by now,” Echo accuses. 

 

He doesn’t want to tell her he couldn’t summon the courage, but he figures she already knows by the way she rolls her eyes. 

 

“Anyway, you do need to talk to her, and you need to do it ASAP. We have Octavia and Lincoln’s engagement party this weekend, at his family’s big vacation house upstate, and you know everyone’s staying over since the place is huge.” Echo widens her eyes purposefully over the words ‘staying over’, but Murphy’s expression doesn’t change. 

 

“Just pretend I’m dumb and spell it out for me, alright? I’m too tired for nuance and you and I don’t have that ESP thing going on like we do with other people.”

 

“Damn it, Murphy. Why she even... No, you know what, never mind that. Raven’s taking Shaw as her guest, get it, and I think she’s going to let him know she’s open to being more _serious_. Don’t make me spell it out any further, for god’s sake.”

 

“So what,” Murphy scoffs. “Raven taking her boyfriend to the party is no big deal. I’m taking Emori, you’re going with Bellamy, all the couples are staying over.”

 

Echo only looks at him like she can see right through his bravado, and hell, maybe she can, he thinks frantically, especially because he’s pretty sure he didn’t keep his voice from sounding snide when he said the word ‘boyfriend’. 

 

“Murphy, you need to go talk to her, before this weekend. You have to do it alright, because I can’t let it be my fault that she ends up doing something she’ll regret.” He opens his mouth to interrupt, but Echo holds up a hand to stop him. “It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand what I’m saying. Just go talk to Raven, and soon. And when you do, you _have_ to ask her how Emori’s been treating her.”

 

“Wait, what? What’s that supposed to mean? Hey, Echo, get back here! You can’t leave it like that!” He watches as she walks back towards the door, feeling anxious at whatever she’s insinuating about Emori and Raven. 

 

She turns, the doorknob in her hand, and waits for him to catch up so she doesn’t have to raise her voice. “I’m risking her being really mad at me for this, after I’ve already fucked up a few days ago. You might be Raven’s best friend, but she’s _mine_ , and I’m not gonna keep my mouth shut about it anymore when someone is mean to her. I know you’ve noticed she stopped hugging people hello and goodbye like she used to. Think about when that started, and _make_ her tell you why she quit doing it. Don’t fuck this up, Murphy.”

 

Echo steps out the door, leaving him confused and irritated. Part of him is tempted to call Emori and demand to know if there’s something weird going on between her and Raven, but Echo’s one of the most straightforward people he’s ever met. If she says there’s something wrong, then there is, and he needs to get to the bottom of it without going off half-informed.

 

He locks the door and slumps against it for a moment, overwhelmed. He’d noticed Raven had stopped hugging everyone, of course he’d fucking noticed. Once she decided you were one of her people, she tended to be pretty tactile. He knew it was because she’d barely gotten any physical affection as a child, that it was part making up for all she’d missed out on and part need for people to know that she cared so they didn’t have to wonder, like she always had. She’d been that way all through high school, even after she started dating Finn in eleventh grade, and yeah, he’d gotten plenty of perverse enjoyment out of how she kept hugging _him_ even though it made Finn insanely jealous. 

 

But then it had been his turn to be jealous, because months ago, she’d stopped. There’d been no more grabbing his arm in excitement, no more smacking his shoulder lightly when he made a terrible joke, no more pulling him around by his shirt sleeve when she wanted to show him something, no more hugs hello or goodbye or when he’d cooked especially for her and yeah, he’d _noticed_. He’d missed it to the point where it had physically hurt not to have her touch him any longer, and the last time he’d been angry, really fucking furious, had been because of it too. 

 

They’d been out at a local bar, one of their favorite hang outs, and it was probably five months or so ago, he remembers. Raven hadn’t been dating Shaw yet, but Emori was with him as they joined the regular crew. Raven hadn’t gotten up from her seat to hug any of them except Octavia, who had missed the last few get-togethers because of work, and Murphy recalled how he had felt a stab of jealousy over it, that Octavia got a hug and he didn’t. He knew it was ridiculous, knew he should just hug her himself, but the jealousy had made him want to snap. It had worsened though, when Bellamy and Echo got up to leave, needing to head out early. They were saying their goodnights when Bellamy called out to Raven, saying something about how she wasn’t going to get off the hook anymore when it came to getting hugs from him and Echo, and he practically picked her up out of her seat to give her one. He’d seen Raven’s face, how _grateful_ she seemed that Bellamy took the initiative, and he’d been both jealous that Bellamy had been able to do it and furious at himself for not seeing how much she needed it, no matter the reason why she had stopped. He’d stalked off to the bar for another round of drinks, forcing himself to calm down before he said or did something he regretted. 

 

Emori had told him she wasn’t feeling well, right around the time Monty and Harper were leaving that night, and she’d hurried him out of the bar before he’d even told Raven goodbye, let alone tried to touch her. So many moments he’d thought about approaching her, his hands almost itching in anticipation over it, but he hadn’t. As much as he missed her touch, and oh, he did, he thought maybe it would be easier, to go without it completely. The events of two years ago had been buried down deep, so deep he refused to acknowledge them, but sometimes… Sometimes when Raven had hugged him in the months since it had happened, her head would fit just at the right angle along his jaw and all of it came flooding back, consuming him. It took weeks, to stuff it back down again. 

 

He wonders now, at Echo’s words, and what, if anything, is going on between Emori and Raven. They’d never meshed well together in the time he’s been dating her, although they were both polite whenever he was around. This new information, hinting that all was not as it seemed, along with Echo’s drunken confession that Raven _wasn’t_ as hungover as she’d always assured him… well, sleep might be elusive tonight, but after that, he was going to man up and talk to Raven no matter how much his stomach clenched with nerves. 

 

*

 

As expected, he didn’t sleep. He’s up painfully early, showers and makes himself coffee while he decides exactly how he’s going to handle this. Murphy knows Raven’s schedule, figures he can catch her after work since he’s off today, but the thought of remaining anxious for hours, waiting to see how things play out, is too much. A smirk crosses his face as he gets an idea, one that will undoubtedly piss Raven off, but it’ll be something in his favor, at least, to catch her off guard, and he needs every bit of help he can get. 

 

He waits til 6:30am to leave, deciding to make the phone call in the car as he drives the twenty minute trip to Raven and Echo’s apartment. It’s only when he gets to her door that he reconsiders the whole thing, but he promised himself that he’d do this, and remembering how relieved her face was when Bellamy hugged her, he reminds himself that sometimes she needs a push too, and it’s high time he’s the one who offered it. 

 

The sound of the doorbell is loud in the morning quiet, and he has to ring it a few times before he can hear someone stumbling on the other side of the door. It could be Echo who answers but he knows Raven will have still been asleep, not waking til the absolute last second she had to for work. He’s in luck, or at least he’s going to count it that way, that it’s Raven who opens the door, hair tousled from sleep and a confused look on her face. It’s maybe not quite as lucky for him that she’s wearing some kind of oversized t-shirt as pajamas, which does an admirable job of covering her upper body but leaves quite a lot of her legs bare and in view. 

 

His eyes fly back up to her face, but she hasn’t noticed he was staring, and it’s what he wanted, to have her vulnerable and groggy like this, since she can clearly bullshit with the best of them. She’s terrible in the morning, even worse before she has coffee, and if ever there was a good time to get honesty out of her, it’s going to be now. 

 

“You alright?” She backs up, letting him in after hiding her eyes from the sun, and he clicks the lock on the door behind him. 

 

“Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you. I know it’s early.”

 

She nods, eyes sleepy, and takes a few steps towards the kitchen. “Okay, but I have to get ready for work soon.”

 

He takes a deep breath, knowing he’s about to face her fury. “Actually, you don’t. I called Sinclair on my way over here, and I told him you weren’t feeling well, so you’d be in late. Of course he insisted you shouldn’t come in at all if you were sick, and he gave me a list of things I should go buy for you at the store. You’ve really got that man convinced you walk on water, huh?” He’s teasing, just a little, because she knows he likes Sinclair, but it’s worth trying if it diffuses her temper. 

 

“You what?” Her eyes narrow alarmingly as she spits the words out, stalking back over to him. “You lied to my _boss_? Are you _trying_ to get me in trouble?”

 

Yeah, the outrage woke her up a bit, that’s for sure, but he’s got some of his own to share. “Oh, I see - you’re the only one who gets to lie now, huh?”

 

She has the decency to look guilty at his taunt, but he has no doubt she’s still going to lecture him over it, so he steps around her and heads to the kitchen, wanting to avoid walking behind her while she’s wearing that too-short t-shirt and deciding he should give his hands something to do. 

 

“I get you’re pissed, but I am too, so we’re going to talk and I needed to make sure you had enough time to do it. Come on, I’ll make coffee.”

 

It’s a good bet she’s got an annoyed look on her face, but she follows him anyway, slumping into a seat at the small table by the window, her brace thumping against the side of the chair. Murphy ignores the programmable coffee maker on the counter, instead rooting around in the cabinets until he finds Raven’s French press. He knows she has one since he bought it for her after she said how much better his coffee was instead of hers, but he wonders if she uses it. 

 

He’s rinsing it out in the sink and putting water on the stove to heat when she speaks up. 

 

“I like that kind better, but I’m not willing to sacrifice sleep during the week to put the time into it,” she reveals. “I use it mostly on the weekends.”

 

His back is to her so he nods to acknowledge that he heard, and he lets himself enjoy how often they’re in tune, even when they’re arguing. It’s a big part of why they hit it off to begin with, two seemingly very different teens stuck together as lab partners. He was a slacker, and she was an overachiever even though she didn’t work very hard back then to succeed, but once they figured out they had a similar sense of humor, they’d clicked and that was that. 

 

After he has the coffee started, he turns and leans back against the counter, watching her warily. He’s starting with the easier issue. “I know you’ve never gotten along that well with Emori. I should have asked you about it a while ago, but I’m asking now. Why aren’t you two friendly?”

 

She definitely didn’t expect that question, even looks a little panicked at it. “Why would you say that? I’m always nice to her!”

 

“Yeah, I know you are, but don’t bullshit me, Raven. She doesn’t go to brunch with you and the other women in the group, and I know I’ve seen Echo give her the side eye a few times. I’ve been ignoring it like a dumbass, but don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.”

 

Raven opens her mouth and promptly shuts it, sealing her lips into a firm line and looking away from him. “I don’t want to tell you.”

 

“You don’t want to tell me? What the hell is that supposed to mean,” he asks incredulously. 

 

Her gaze softens as she turns her head over her shoulder just enough to see him. “It’s just… you like her, and I don’t want to say something that might influence that.”

 

“Raven, just because I like her doesn’t mean I don’t want to know if she’s been rude to you. In fact, I want to know all the more if that happened, so just tell me and let me worry about whether or not it affects how I feel.”

 

“Ugh, _fine_ ,” Raven capitulates. “Let’s just say she’s made it clear from the beginning that she doesn’t like me very much.”

 

He stares at her expectantly, knowing she’s still dancing around the issue, but he’s prepared to wait however long he needs to. Crossing his arms over his chest, he leans back farther on the counter, letting her know he’s not going anywhere. 

 

She straightens in the chair, angling more towards the window, and he wonders if that makes it better, for her not to look at him while she admits whatever it is that has been going on. 

 

“Alright, here’s the thing. She’s said some stuff since you first started bringing her around, all when she thought that we were alone that have been kind of… obnoxious. What she doesn’t know is that Echo has overheard a few of them and has held it against her. I tried to get her to just shrug it off, like I was trying to, but you know Echo. She holds a grudge.”

 

He does know Echo, and since Echo is sometimes rude herself, he figures whatever Emori said or did was definitely over the top if it pissed Echo off. 

 

“I’m not going to sit here and rehash it all,” Raven continues, “but if you really want to know, I’ll tell you the worst one, since it’s why Echo’s never going to forgive her or be friends, and why I haven’t made a better effort either.”

 

Murphy’s glad she’s still looking out the window, not wanting her to see the angry glint in his eyes at the confirmation that this has been going on a while, with multiple incidents. He really should have asked about it before now, but he knew why he hadn’t. He did like Emori, and she was the first person he had felt like maybe he could move on with. He hadn’t wanted to hear the reasons why she didn’t seem to fit in with the other women, but he’d been stupid not to realize that it was more than just being new to the group that kept Emori on the outside. 

 

“It was one of those night’s over at Harper and Monty’s. You know how they like to host. We all played cards, had a few drinks, the usual. Echo was my ride, and she wasn’t drinking because of that and getting up early for work. So we weren’t staying as late. We’d gone into their bedroom, to get our coats off the bed, but the walk-in closet door was open and Echo went in to look at Harper’s shoes. I don’t know, I guess Emori didn’t know she was in there, and I was a little tipsy, so I was just sitting on the bed on top of all those coats when she walked in.” 

 

The coffee finished brewing while Raven spoke, and he sat a mug in front of her, grabbing the milk out of the fridge and stirring a bit into his own cup before passing that over too. She looks up and smiles in thanks, taking the sugar bowl from the center of the table before continuing with her story. 

 

“Anyway, Emori started going on about how maybe nobody else was paying attention, but that she knew what I was up to with all my slutty behavior. I think I just stared at her at first, not knowing what the fuck she was talking about, but she kept going, accusing me of flirting with everyone at the party, trying to get Bellamy into bed with me since I’d already slept with you, and how maybe she should tell Echo not to let such a whore sit next to her man. Honestly, I thought she was just drunk but then she started saying how she noticed I touched people’s arms or sat too close or hugged people first whether they wanted to or not, and that I wasn’t as subtle as I thought I was. I mean, obviously I knew I wasn’t flirting with Bellamy, and I was sure Echo knew it too, but here was this new person thinking it, you know, and I wondered if maybe I _was_ too physical with my friends?” Raven shrugs, but Murphy can tell it’s still bothering her as she remembers it, and he’s angry with himself all over again for how he’s mishandled this so badly. 

 

“So Emori gets her digs in, I stop Echo from going after her and starting a fight, and Echo reassures me the whole way home that Emori is full of crap. That wasn’t the first time that Echo had overheard stuff though, so she really wanted me to tell you what was going on. It was my decision not to, not hers. But after that, I thought maybe I should try to stop being so affectionate, so I did. And nobody really seemed to miss it. Echo kept nagging me about how I was being stupid, and she just got angrier with Emori so that ship has sailed. And I’m sorry, but I just can’t like her after that, Murphy, not even for you. I’ll keep being polite in public, and I haven’t told anybody else about it all and I made Echo promise not to either.”

 

“Jesus, Raven, you don’t have any reason to apologize to me for not liking Emori. It sounds pretty justifiable after that story, and really, I should be the one apologizing to _you_ for not picking up on this shit. I’m sorry she said that to you, and she has it all wrong.” He should tell her how he noticed it, how he missed her touches and her hugs and her physical affection, and that she wasn’t too physical with her friends, that it was just right as far as he was concerned, but her gaze is back to the window as she sips her coffee and he’s a fucking coward. 

 

“Thanks. But anyhow, it’s over and done. You can just forget about it, same as me.”

 

Maybe she sucks at lying _sometimes_ , Murphy observes, because she’s definitely trying to fool both of them right now. And there’s no way he can forget about it, is only just controlling himself from walking out the door and confronting Emori over this mess. He knew Emori was jealous after he’d told her how he and Raven had drunkenly slept together once, but he didn’t confess it to make her feel that way. He’d revealed it because he figured she ought to know since the rest of their group did, but if he’d had any idea she was calling Raven names over it and picking fights… 

 

He grips his coffee mug, walking over to sit across from Raven at the table. He already had plenty of food for thought, but they’ve got more to get through and they both know it. 

 

“Why did you lie to me about being drunk and not remembering what happened the night we had sex?”

 

Her head whips around to pin him with an incredulous expression. “God, Murphy, can’t you _guess_?”

 

Raven shakes her head and rakes a trembling hand through her tangled hair, her voice lacking the self-confidence he’s so used to hearing from her. “Maybe because I was scared that I had fucked up our friendship by acting on a crazy impulse. Maybe because I had just gotten cheated on and I was feeling confused about Finn and confused about you and I was worried that if I said the wrong thing I might hurt you. Maybe because I was embarrassed that I hadn’t even broken up with my rotten cheating boyfriend and I knew that it was me who had kissed you first. Or maybe I felt like I had taken advantage of our friendship, with you being drunk and not saying no to me because you didn’t want to kick me when I was already down. I woke up that morning, and yeah, I was kind of hungover and achy from all the crying, but not so much that I didn’t realize that I couldn'trisk losing your friendship while I sorted out all these feelings I had. I mean, take your pick but it was all of those things! But don’t for a minute think that I liked lying to you, because I felt like crap about it, even if I thought it was what I should do in order to make sure we didn’t fall apart.”

 

It’s not anything he’s expected, her reasoning, and he sits there feeling stunned. That he’s very likely had the wrong idea for the last two years is… well, it’s a lot and his head is spinning. “Fuck, Raven, that’s not… I had no idea that’s how you felt about it.”

 

She laughs bitterly. “Well that was the point, right? If I didn’t tell you, if I acted like it didn’t matter, then we could just shrug it off and chalk it up to being two drunk idiots who made a mistake. I thought it would be awkward for a little while, and it was, but that it would at least mean we were still _us_. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest about it, I am, but I need you to know that I lied to _avoid_ hurting you, even if that’s not how it ultimately worked out. I had enough sense to know that I was kind of screwed up by what Finn did, and I didn’t want you to be dragged into that any further than I had already brought you.”

 

“Raven, what you’re saying makes sense, it does, but it’s not at all where my mind went after it happened. I thought… I thought a lot of things, actually, but mostly I felt guilty as hell.”

 

Surprised brown eyes raise up from where she had been determinedly staring at the table. “What, why? You didn’t have anything to feel guilty about! You had more to drink than me, and I started things. If anything, _I_ took advantage.”

 

God, they really should have talked about this before now. “You’re wrong. I felt so guilty, thinking about how it didn’t matter that we were both drunk, that I had taken advantage of _you_. Because even though I know neither of us planned it, I fucking knew you were hurting, Raven, that you weren’t in a good place. And I didn’t make you stop, even though I could’ve.” He pauses, about to say something there’s no taking back. “I wanted it to happen. I didn’t return the kiss out of some misguided attempt to make you feel better. I wanted to kiss you for a long time, and once we started, there was no way I could quit, and I definitely didn’t want to. So yeah, I had plenty of things to feel guilty about.”

 

He hears her quick intake of breath, and her eyes dart around the room, avoiding his. He almost wants to laugh at the sheer relief he feels for finally having shared something that he’d kept hidden for so long. 

 

“I didn’t know that,” she finally says, and he does laugh then at her bewildered tone. 

 

“No, there was no reason you would’ve. I didn’t want you to know.”

 

“Why not?” she demands, sounding insulted that he’d kept something from _her_ for a change.

 

“Come on. You were with Finn then. Neither one of us wanted to rock the boat.”

 

Raven takes another drink from her coffee, and he does the same. “You’re right that I didn’t plan for things to happen that night, but...it’s not like I had never thought about it before, in a what-if kind of way, I mean.”

 

That’s news to him, and he watches while a flush washes over her cheeks with the admission. It’s distracting in the same way her short t-shirt is. “Maybe we’re not as good at communicating as I thought we were.”

 

She wrinkles her nose. “Not when it comes to feelings, I guess. But we do alright with other stuff.”

 

“Were you ever going to tell me, about not being that drunk?” He gets it now, why she lied, but he doesn’t understand why she couldn’t have brought it up later, when it wasn’t as fresh and they both had some distance from it. 

 

Sighing, she pulls at a thread on the table runner. He knows it’s a nervous habit of hers, not keeping her hands still, and his ears prick up for whatever she’s going to say. 

 

“I wanted to, yes. Kind of planned to, really, after I had sorted things out. You have to understand that I wasn’t just angry at Finn - I was angry with myself for not seeing who he was, for being fooled by him. Do you remember, that night I told you that a part of me knew what was happening even before I opened the door to see him with that other girl? I felt like maybe I _had_ really known, but I’d chosen to ignore it, or I don’t know, convince myself otherwise?” Her mouth twists in disappointment and he has the urge to comfort her but she only pauses for a moment. 

 

“I wasn’t just trying to get over a breakup afterwards, you know. It was that, but it was also feeling angry with myself for trusting Finn, feeling guilty about taking advantage of you and lying about not remembering. But I also didn’t regret having sex with you either, and I felt like I should since it had clearly been the wrong way to go about it. It was a messy time for me, I won’t deny it. But eventually I felt ready to move on and I figured I’d talk to you, but by that point I’d been lying for so long about not remembering and I didn’t know how to bring it up. And then you met Emori and I didn’t want to interfere with that since it seemed like you were happy. But you know, plans have a way of exploding in your face. Especially when drunk Echo gets involved.” She smiles a little, there at the end, and it feels like his stomach does a flip in reaction. 

 

He listens to everything she explained, hears it all, but the part where she said she didn’t regret the sex is repeating on a loop in his brain. “Now that we’re finally discussing things, I think I should tell you something else you probably don’t know.”

 

Raven looks worried at his statement, and fuck, he’s kind of worried too, but they might not ever talk about this again and he wants her to know all of it. 

 

“When I woke up that morning, I remembered everything. Both of us were naked in my bed and I _was_ surprised how it all went down, but I still knew what I was gonna do. I was going to tell you that I’d wait for you to sort it all out. That I knew the timing was terrible but I wanted to be more than friends if you had any interest in that. I would have said it all, but when you woke up you seemed kind of panicked that we were tangled together, you got out of bed real fast and put my shirt on, and now I know that you were making sure I got the impression you didn’t remember. By the time I kind of pulled myself together from thinking I was the most awful friend ever, you were trying to reassure me you were on the pill and we wouldn’t have to worry about not using a condom. And then I felt worse because drunk or not, I’d _never_ overlooked that before, ever. But I did with you and I’m sorry.” 

 

It's the truth, mostly. What he was going to do when he woke up, that part was right. He _had_ felt seriously awful after she’d made him realize he hadn’t looked out for her when he hadn’t used a condom. The apology was mostly truthful, at least. Except for the part where he’s a selfish bastard and wasn’t sorry at all because it was hot as fuck and felt amazing, and difficult as hell to block out of his memory. Probably for the best he doesn’t say that out loud though. 

 

Wishing he could read her mind more than he ever has, he studies her face for a reaction to his words. He’s told her he would have been interested in a relationship with her, and even though they’re two years past it and they’re both dating other people and have moved on, part of him hasn’t, is still desperate to know how she would have responded back then, what she thinks of the possibility. 

 

“Murphy, I...I don’t know what to say,” she stops herself, taking in a deep breath that feels loud in the tiny kitchen. She’s never been much of a crier, beyond that night anyway, and he’s not sure if it’s a good sign or a bad sign that she sounds like she’s close to tears now. “I don’t know how I would have reacted, if you had said all that, then. I was barely holding it together that morning as it was. That kind of confession from you might’ve been too much for me.”

 

It feels like he’s waiting on pins and needles as he anticipates her explanation of what ‘too much’ might mean, whether or not she would have welcomed it or pushed him away, but she scrubs at the corner of her eye and then changes the subject. 

 

“And anyway, it’s not like you were the only one being irresponsible that night. I was never that careless before with Finn. I don’t know what I was thinking...” She’s pulling at the loose thread again, her face pink, and he feels the sharp need, right then, to push her for the answers she’s not giving, to make her feel the same frustration that’s building inside him. 

 

He shoves back from the table, his chair scraping across the floor. Her face is divided between confused and concerned as he gets into her space, dragging her up by her arms and trapping her between him and her chair. 

 

“I know what you were thinking, same as me,” his voice is rough with the memory, his fingers tingling at the first touch they’ve shared in months. “Nothing mattered except touching you, making you come. You made me believe you didn’t remember, but drunk or not, your body wasn’t lying to me then, and you can’t tell me it wasn’t the best thing you ever felt.”

 

Although he’s pressed in close, she’s turned her head away, refusing to look at him, but she looks wrecked at his words. _Good_ , he thinks ruthlessly, _he wants her to know how it feels_. 

 

“All this time I thought it was just me who relived it whenever I shut my eyes, so I stuffed it down and tried to pretend it didn’t happen. How could I tell you how much I wanted it when you didn’t even seem to remember?” Murphy shifts his grip on her, hands sliding down her arms to the curve of her back, keeping her against him when she tries to shift away. Now that he’s started this, he’s not stopping until he’s finished, and she’s going to listen, even if she won’t look him in the eye. “It’s what you wanted, right, not to have to talk about it? Well maybe I _wanted_ to talk about it, did you ever think about that!”

 

“What do you want me to say, Murphy?” Raven’s eyes are blazing as she jerks her head to face him, palms braced against his chest and half-heartedly trying to shove him backwards. “You want to hear that the sex was way better than anything with Finn? _Fine_ ,” she snarls, “it was, does that make you happy? Or should I take it a few steps further, tell you that I can’t forget any of it, think about it way more than I want to, and haven’t even been able to have sex with anybody else, for god’s sake! I’ve been paying for my decision ever since I made it, and it fucking sucks when I was just trying to do the right thing so we could stay friends!”

 

Nothing changes at first, when she stops yelling, but then he sees it, the moment she realizes what she just divulged, and her eyes go wide and fearful. He was already turned on, their proximity after so long being enough to make him imagine plenty of things he shouldn’t, but this...is something else. 

 

He’s rooted to the spot, incapable of putting his thoughts into words as they stare at each other, the air around them charged with tension. Raven licks her lips nervously and his fingers twitch at the top of her ass in response, mindful of the fact that there’s no hiding his erection with her hips cradled against his. It feels like they’re on the edge of something big, finally confronting the secrets between them, but he’s done talking, wants more than anything to lift her onto the table and do everything he’s been unable to forget. He’s a second away from doing exactly that when a loud, blatantly fake cough comes from the archway leading into the kitchen. 

 

“Sorry to interrupt this very cozy moment,” Echo quips, “but it is the middle of the week and some of us do have to get ready for work. And you’re scandalizing my coffee machine even _with_ all your clothes still on.”

 

Murphy bites back the vicious insult that wants to spew up out of him as Echo’s presence thwarts his plans. He closes his eyes briefly, trying to clear his head even while understanding it’s useless, everything’s just exploded in his face and he can barely make sense of anything other than his hunger for the woman still in his grasp.

 

Letting go of Raven, he speaks low, just for her ears. “I gotta think. We’ll talk later.” She’s flustered, nodding dazedly, and he can’t keep looking at her or he’s going to quit caring that they’re not alone. 

 

Storming past Echo, he yanks the front door open and heads for his car, pitying anyone who gets between him and a cold shower. 

 

*

 

Raven stuffs the last of her clothes into her suitcase, more than ready to start the weekend. She’d raced to the apartment after getting out of work early for a change, not wanting to keep Echo and Bellamy waiting on her account since she’d asked if she could ride along with them last minute. Leaving her suitcase and smaller tote by the door, she’s relieved to see her things are the only ones there, which means she did beat Echo after all. 

 

“Hey, I’m ready whenever you are,” she announced, flopping down on Echo’s bed as her friend rummaged through her closet. 

 

“Great, I’m so glad it’s finally Friday! Bellamy should be here in about twenty minutes, and then we can go. If I find my other shoe first, that is.”

 

They’re all headed upstate to celebrate with Octavia and Lincoln’s engagement party, and since Lincoln’s family is small, they’ve offered all of the rooms at a family beach house up to Octavia’s guests for the weekend. The party was on Saturday evening, but most of them would drive up tonight, so they could enjoy the property and hang out as long as possible. 

 

“Thanks again for letting me interrupt your couple time and ride up with you and Bellamy,” Raven says apologetically, and Echo looks over her shoulder, annoyed. 

 

“Hey, none of that! You know we’re happy to have you, and after the little show you put on in the kitchen Wednesday morning, I’m pretty sure you can stand the PG-13 rated kisses and handholding you might happen to see between me and Bell while we’re in the car.”

 

Echo had uncharacteristically not said a word about what she’d witnessed that morning, instead keeping silent as Raven had practically wilted into her chair after Murphy had left, so it catches her by surprise when she brings it up now. 

 

“We were arguing,” Raven tries to explain, but Echo cuts her off. 

 

“Oh, please, don’t even try it! If I hadn’t interrupted, Murphy was about to devour you, and from what I could see, you were going to let him. The Unresolved Sexual Tension was practically dripping from the ceiling.”

 

Raven feels hot all over at Echo’s words, knowing she’s right and having no excuse for it. 

 

“Have you talked to him since then?” Echo’s question comes out muffled since she’s half under her bed, looking for the elusive shoe. 

 

“No, I haven’t heard from him,” Raven replies, and she’s been trying not to think about what that means. 

 

“Well, O said he told her he might not make it up til Saturday morning because he was having trouble getting someone to cover his shift, but that he’d definitely be there in time for the party. So maybe you’ll get a chance to talk then.”

 

“It’s probably not ideal, since he’ll be there with his girlfriend,” Raven drawls sarcastically. 

 

Echo pops up from her position on the floor, triumphant. “Found it,” she gloats, waving the shoe around. “I hear that pout in your voice, by the way, but let me remind you that _you_ were supposed to be spending this weekend with Shaw, and look how that turned out. So you just never know.”

 

“I guess,” Raven allows, but privately she’s unconvinced. 

 

Grabbing one of Echo’s bags from the bed, she carries it out to the door. No matter what Murphy still wanted to say to her, one thing had been obvious. After that morning where she’d blurted out even more of her secrets, she’d known that she wasn’t ready to sleep with Miles Shaw, and she’d called him the next day to gently break things off. He took it better than she expected, for which she was glad, but even though it was the right thing to do, she was feeling awkward that she’d be the only one of their friend group who wasn’t partnered up this weekend. 

 

Raven straightens her shoulders determinedly. Murphy might be aware of all her secrets now, but she’s had a lot of practice lying, and she’d faked it until she made it once before, so she could do it again if she had to. At least, that was what she was going to tell herself, anyway. 

 

*

 

Raven wakes up far too early on Saturday morning, unable to sleep with so many jumbled thoughts running through her mind. Everyone had been excited and happy for the weekend once they’d arrived last night, and they’d hung out on the deck at the back of the house late, drinking and talking, but Raven had only nursed two glasses of wine all night, reluctant to feel out of control if Murphy and Emori showed up early. She’d had fun, but it had been tempered with uncertainty, although she had been pleased to note that she didn’t feel like an odd-numbered wheel surrounded by all the other couples. 

 

When they’d first pulled up to the house, Lincoln had grabbed her suitcase and proudly showed her to the room that would be hers for the weekend. It was small, but lovely, with a queen-sized bed and a window she could see the ocean from. Lincoln had apologized that the attached bathroom only had a walk-in shower instead of a tub, but Raven had been thrilled with it and told him so. Now though, she found herself wishing there was a tv in the room so she could pass the time until everyone else got up, but that could be hours still since it was only just before six. 

 

Rolling to her side, she looks out at the waves, getting inspired to do her morning yoga routine on the beach. She’s dedicated to it, knowing it helps keep her leg limber, but she’ll have to be careful not to get sand in the joints of her brace. There were beach towels in the downstairs laundry room, Lincoln had explained, so she’ll grab one to use in lieu of a yoga mat, and hopefully that would be enough. Enthusiastic about it now that she had made her decision, she pulls out a sports bra and yoga pants from a drawer, gets dressed in a hurry and weaves her hair into a messy braid. 

 

She spends almost an hour on the beach, relaxing into the various poses and feeling a lot calmer afterwards although her mind was still berating her for that massive slip of the tongue she’d made in front of Murphy. It was embarrassing enough having Echo know she’d been celibate for so long, but Murphy knowing was a whole other level, especially since ultimately, he was the cause of it all. _No use in stressing over it repeatedly_ , she scoffs, _it’s done and now I deal with the fallout_. Shaking the sand out of the towel, she folds it up and tucks it under her arm with a sigh. If she had thought to bring water, she’d stay longer, but the salt air has her thirsty. She sneaks quietly back into the house via the deck, doubtful anyone else is up yet and not wanting to risk waking them. 

 

“You’re up awfully early.”

 

Whirling around from her spot just inside the door, wiping her bare feet fastidiously so she doesn’t track sand inside, she looks towards the sound of the unexpected voice, coming from the far corner of the living room. Murphy is slouched in one of the arm chairs, looking tired and disheveled. 

 

“Couldn’t sleep,” she shrugs, unprepared and trying her best to keep her face neutral as she makes her way to the kitchen for a drink. The house has an open floor plan, and she can feel Murphy’s eyes on her as she grabs a cup of ice and fills it at the refrigerator, her sun-warmed skin practically itching with awareness. Recalling her vow to fake it, she drinks the water down and pours herself another glass, forcing herself to make eye contact with Murphy while she walks towards the stairs. 

 

“I take it you just got in?”

 

“Yeah, I couldn’t get anyone to cover so I drove up after my shift. Lincoln hid a key for me. I went upstairs to see if I could find an empty bedroom to crash in, but all the doors are shut and I didn’t want to chance waking anyone.”

 

“He and Octavia gave us the full tour when we got here yesterday. I’m pretty sure I know which rooms they assigned everyone to. Come on.” It’s a fib, not that she’ll tell him, because she definitely knows which room was supposed to be his and had breathed a sigh of relief when it was more than a few doors down the hallway from her own. 

 

Murphy gets up from the chair and heads to the foyer, grabbing his old green suitcase that she’s seen countless times. There’s no other bags, and she wants so much to ask if he’s alone on this trip, but that doesn’t fall anywhere within the boundaries of her faking-it plan so she presses her lips together as she starts up the stairs. He falls in behind her as she leads him through the silent hallway, eventually opening a door on her left, stepping to the side so he can enter. 

 

His arm brushes against hers when he passes by, and retreating to her own room suddenly feels like her safest option. 

 

“See you later,” she mutters, concentrating hard on keeping her gait steady and unhurried. She’ll count it as a victory that she refuses to look over her shoulder to see if he’s watching, but there’s no mistaking the relief she feels when she shuts the door behind her, leaning against it and releasing a huge breath. Rolling her eyes at her inability to fully hold it together after one simple encounter, she acknowledges to herself that she’s really going to have to up her game, at least in the short term until she feels more steady. 

 

Leaving the glass of water on the dresser, she tugs out her braid and rummages around in one of the drawers, looking for the shorts she wants to change into after a quick shower. She’s searching for a shirt to go with them when a soft knock on her door makes her pause. Nobody else was up - it has to be Murphy, and she’s definitely not feeling prepared for another conversation. But there’s no avoiding him for the rest of the weekend, and maybe it would be best to do it sooner rather than later for the sake of her nerves. She guzzles the water to moisten her suddenly dry throat, wiping her arm over her mouth before she opens the door. 

 

“Since you’re up, can we talk?” Murphy’s got that look, the one where he’s not going to take no for an answer, and even if she hadn’t decided to get it over with, he was hard to budge once he’d made up his mind that far. 

 

Pushing the door open wider, she backs up to let him in. There’s nowhere to sit except for on the bed, but she hadn’t made it up before she’d gone out to the beach so it’s rumpled and has that just-slept-in appearance. It’s already intimate, letting Murphy in while she’s feeling vulnerable around him, but there’s nothing to do but gesture to him to join her at the end of it. 

 

Murphy flicks his eyes around the room before settling in next to her, leaving a few feet of space between them. She’s just about to open her mouth and say whatever thing that pops into her head to end the uneasy silence when he finally breaks it. 

 

“I know I said we’d talk later but time got away from me these last few days, and I thought it would be better in person instead of the phone.”

 

“Okay. What do you want to say?” 

 

“Just give me a minute and maybe I’ll say it, alright! You’re so impatient,” he points out in a disgruntled tone. 

 

“You’re the one barging into my room and interrupting my shower plans even though you said you were going to sleep!”

 

“If that’s how you see it, then maybe we shouldn’t talk after all!” He practically jumps to his feet, frustration vibrating off him, and Raven realizes this isn’t going to get them anywhere. 

 

“No, wait! I’m sorry. This is just stressful. Let’s try it again.”

 

He hesitates a moment, and then gingerly sits back down. “I don’t want you to be stressed out talking with me. Let me just get this out and then I’ll go.”

 

Her stomach sinks. “No, it’s not _you_ that’s stressing me out, it’s just this whole thing has gotten out of control. I just want us to be okay again.”

 

“The okay we were while you were lying to me? Or the okay we were before we had sex? Because we can’t go back to the second one, and I was absolutely not thrilled to find out you weren’t honest with me all that time. I’d rather we be the version of okay where we don’t have any more secrets between us.”

 

She meets his eyes, willing him to feel how sincere she is. “I want that too, and I’ll keep apologizing if that’s what it takes.”

 

“No, I get _why_ you did it. Anyway, I could have been more direct with you, too. Neither one of us is blame free here, and believe me, I tried to make it all your fault.” He grins at her, breaking the tension between them even more than his words do, and she smiles back readily. 

 

After a few moments, Murphy glances away, eyes down to the comforter as he smoothes out a few wrinkles. “Of course you already know I wasn’t going to listen to you, so I went to talk to Emori after I calmed down. I don’t want you to think that I didn’t trust you were telling me the truth, but I thought it was only fair to ask her about it. She didn’t exactly deny things.” He stares at her, contrite. “I should have paid better attention and I would have known all this a lot sooner.”

 

“It’s o -”, she begins, but Murphy cuts her off. 

 

“Don’t say it’s okay when it’s not. Everything else aside, I brought someone around who was rude to you at the very least. That’s on me. I’m allowed to feel bad about it.”

 

“Alright,” Raven teases. “If it makes you feel better, you can feel bad about it.” She sucks in a breath, not loving what she’s about to say next but wanting to make the effort for his sake. “I can’t speak for Echo, but I could try harder with Emori. Maybe invite her to one of our brunches or something.”

 

“Nah, she’s not going to be coming around any more. We both agreed breaking up was for the best.”

 

It might be the honest-to-god last thing she expected to hear during this conversation, and there’s no hiding the bewildered expression that must be written all over her face. 

 

“I don’t know why you’re confused,” Murphy explains, and the way he looks at her makes her want to melt. “Don’t you know by now that I’m always going to pick you first?”

 

She feels lightheaded, like she could float up to the ceiling, and her body moves down the bed without conscious thought, wanting to be nearer. 

 

“I know just what you mean,” Raven whispers, close enough to grab onto his shirt and pull him towards her. She remembers herself just in time, stopping only inches before their lips touch. “I almost forgot. I’m single now too.”

 

“Was really hoping you’d say that,” Murphy replies in a low voice, right before his arms surround her and his mouth is finally, finally against hers again. 

 

Her fingers slide up his chest, around to the back of his neck, and Echo was right, it _is_ like he wants to devour her, and oh, she wants it more than anything. His lips on hers awakens something in her that’s been dormant, waiting for him, she’s sure, and she’s weak from the way it thrills her. She can’t get close enough in this position, the fire building from his hands skimming over the bare skin exposed from just her sports bra already turning into an inferno threatening to consume her. It’s the same as her memories, fierce and frenzied but achingly familiar. But it’s different now too, because she’s sober and knows exactly what she wants from him, what he can make her feel. 

 

Murphy eases her down until her back hits the mattress, straddling her hips as his mouth leaves a hot trail down her jaw to her neck. She takes her hands off him for a moment, impatiently wrestling her bra over her head before yanking his own shirt up, needing his skin on hers. He kisses her again, long and hard and she can scarcely believe it’s real, the urge to laugh, to cry, bubbling up inside her and coming out as a throaty moan. His mouth makes another path, this time to her breasts and when he sucks on her nipple, her vision goes white and blurry behind her eyelids as she squirms against him.  

 

Breathless, Raven finds the button on his shorts, working at it until she gets it open before unzipping him as carefully as she can manage in her restless state. She cups him through his underwear, fingers caressing knowingly as he pants harshly over her until he can take no more, rearing up so he can take off her brace and get her naked. He struggles with it a little before almost tearing her yoga pants off, panties going right along with them. He makes quick work of his own shorts and briefs, surging back towards her like he’s starved, but it’s the same for her, this passion between them something that just keeps getting bigger, and when his hand strokes between her legs, spreading her wetness all around before a firm finger glides effortlessly inside her, she bites his shoulder so she doesn’t scream and wake the entire house. 

 

Murphy groans then, deep in a way that tells her he likes it, and she feels it ripple through her entire body, setting her nerve endings alight. She tilts her head up, sucking on his bottom lip and scraping her nails up his back, taking her time while his fingers explore until the pressure is almost unbearable. 

 

“Hurry,” she pleads. “I can’t wait any longer.”

 

He starts to pull away and she grips him tighter, not wanting him anywhere but pressed against her. Murphy tangles a hand through her hair, using it to firmly turn her head to the side so he can suck along her cheek, his voice rumbling near her ear. 

 

“My wallet’s in my shorts. There’s a condom there.”

 

It’s not what she wants, not at all, and she doesn’t have to think before telling him so. His hold on her hair is taut, so she can’t turn her head to look at him, but his tongue is driving her crazy as it meanders over her ear, making her shiver. “I’m on the pill, and I haven’t slept with anyone after you.”

 

He stills, his mouth pausing as her heart races and his hot breath skims over her sensitized skin. “There was only one person since then, and we always used protection. Are you sure that’s what you want?”

 

The way her pulse flutters should give him his answer, but she licks her lips and tries harder to twist her head out of his grasp so she can meet his hungry gaze. Murphy lets her loose, and it’s obvious to her that he wants it just as much as she does. Their eyes lock and she feels his hand on her thigh, opening her for him. He fills her an instant later, thrusting deep, and the hot, heavy feel of him is exactly right, exactly what she needs. Neither of them want slow, that’s for another time. This, this is craving and demand and lust and she burns with it, lets herself be caught up as they take from each other and give back in the same moment. 

 

Raven gets louder as she gets closer, desperate, and Murphy crushes her mouth beneath his own to muffle her as he works his fingers over her clit, swallowing her cries as she pulses around him when she comes. His hand slips under her ass, angling her higher so he can drive himself deeper. She’s dizzy with pleasure, shuddering against him as he tenses and then throbs inside her, hips spasming into hers. It’s everything she didn’t think she’d have again, and when his weight presses her into the mattress, she falls asleep with a satisfied smile on her lips. 

 

*

 

Murphy must have moved off of her at some point, Raven realizes, because when her eyes open she’s pressed tightly into his side, one of his hands wrapped in her hair and the other slung across his waist so he can grip her hip. It’s quiet in the room, and no noise comes from the hallway either, making her wonder if they’ve been out long. She stretches her fingers across his chest, letting herself explore his body like she’s wanted to since that first drunken night. 

 

His eyes blink open slowly but his reflexes are fast as he sits up, hauling her over his lap, her legs stretched out behind him on either side of his hips. Raven wraps her arms around his neck, pressing her breasts into his chest to kiss him softly. His hands run up and down her back and the blankets bunch around her waist as she feels him swell beneath her. 

 

She leans back reluctantly. “Everyone’s going to be up soon, I bet. It’s the last thing I want right now, but I think you should try to sneak out of here while no one will see you.”

 

“Embarrassed by me already, huh?” He nips at her lip, and she’s glad to hear a teasing lilt in his accusation. She leans into it, letting him lick and nibble until she’s close to losing all sense of reason. 

 

“You know why I said that,” Raven mumbles, eyes closing as he cups her breast in his hand, her nipple puckering immediately. 

 

“I know why,” he acknowledges, kissing a curvy squiggle across her shoulder. “You don’t want to distract from Octavia and Lincoln’s engagement party.”

 

“Mmm,” she whimpers, although she has no idea how she’s going to keep her hands off him in front of all their friends tonight. 

 

“I’ll agree to your terms under one condition,” Murphy bargains, but at this point she’ll do whatever he wants as long as his mouth keeps sucking along her skin, so she tells him exactly that. 

 

He laughs mockingly against her neck as his hands squeeze her hips harder, pulling her down to rub against him. She bites her lip, no longer caring about anything other than having him inside her again, but he leans back from her enough so he can tuck her hair behind her ear. 

 

“We’ll pretend because it’s their night, or at least we’ll try, but only if you let me sneak in here after the party. After that I don’t care who knows.”

 

“Deal,” she agrees, almost before he’s even finished talking, in a hurry to kiss him again and hoping they can fit in a quickie before he should leave. 

 

She’s rocking against him, his mouth closing over her stiff nipple when an intrusive knock sounds at the door. Murphy reacts quickly, yanking the sheet up to Raven’s shoulders so she’s covered, her back to the door and her body shielding Murphy’s. And it’s a good thing he was fast, when the knock is almost immediately followed by Octavia opening the door and barging in, already talking.

 

“I need to borrow your hairdryer, mine just bro-holy shit, when did this happen!” 

 

Raven feels like a deer caught in the headlights as she looks over her shoulder, Murphy relaxing slightly under her as he realizes it’s only Octavia. 

 

“You weren’t supposed to see this,” Raven says defensively. 

 

“Of course I fucking wasn’t,” Octavia scoffs, leaning against the dresser and looking far too eager for Raven’s tastes. “But let me just say I’m glad I did! Wait til everybody hears about this!”

 

“Get out, O.” Murphy’s tone is lazy, but they both know they’re trapped unless they want to come out from under the sheet. 

 

Raven tries to appeal to Octavia anyway. “We weren’t going to tell you because it’s your big night. How about we just keep it quiet until tomorrow? We’ll even let you spill the beans.” It’s a long-shot, but worth a try, she figures. 

 

“Wait, wait, wait a minute,” Octavia holds up a finger, suddenly serious. “When _did_ this happen, like really, what day?”

 

“Oh my god! Please tell me you don’t have a bet going on about whether Murphy and I were going to sleep together again!” Raven’s annoyed just thinking about it, but it’s exactly the kind of thing their friends would do. Murphy doesn’t help at all, instead looking amused at the prospect. 

 

“No, don’t be ridiculous,” Octavia dismisses, waving her hand in the air, and for a brief moment, Raven feels relieved. But then Octavia continues. 

 

“We didn’t bet on you and Murphy sleeping together again. Everybody knew _that_ was just a matter of time. We just didn’t know _when_.”

 

She glares at Murphy as he laughs enthusiastically at Octavia’s comments. 

 

“How long?” Raven demands, voice stony. 

 

Octavia smiles wickedly. “Oh, it’s been a rolling pool for what, two years, I think? It pretty much started as soon as we all found out you did it the first time. Jasper wondered out loud how long it would take before you did it again, and it all just came together. Harper kept the pot and every month we all have to kick in some cash to stay in. It got big enough we agreed to open an account. It’s earning _interest_ , Raven. So I really, really want to know when this happened, because we’ve all got different days of the month and I’ve been eyeing this really expensive wedding dress…”

 

“Get out!” Raven interrupts, leaning forward and to the side of Murphy so she can grab a pillow and throw it in Octavia’s direction. 

 

Murphy just laughs harder, his arm wrapping around her waist to pull her back against him, and Octavia dances out of reach as the pillow hits the door. 

 

“Fine, I’ll go, but you’re coming downstairs for breakfast and if you two don’t tell everyone, I’m going to! And we’ll _make_ you tell us when it happened, believe me!” She steps back towards the door before remembering why she interrupted them to begin with. “Oh, and don’t worry about this news taking away from the party - it’s just going to make it more memorable! And I still need to borrow your hair dryer, so where is it? Mine just broke.”

 

“It’s in the drawer in the bathroom,” Raven gives in with a sigh, knowing there’s no use fighting an excited Octavia. 

 

Waiting until their friend leaves the room, Raven turns betrayed eyes toward Murphy. “I can’t believe you, just laughing and making me be the only outraged one!”

 

“Aw, come on, you know you would’ve been in on that bet if it had been anyone else,” Murphy points out as Raven pushes him back against the remaining pillows. “And anyway, you can’t tell me it isn’t kind of nice, that the rest of our friends had faith in us even when we were busy fooling ourselves.”

 

“I guess when you put it like that, it _is_ kind of sweet,” Raven considers. “But even so, I think our friends might be a little too invested in my sex life.”

 

“Maybe because you didn’t have one,” Murphy smirks. 

 

“Oh, I had one,” Raven grins, hands grabbing his wrists to lift them up over his head as she pins him down. “It just happened to be all in my head. You should know I had an insane amount of orgasms, letting my mind run away with me. It’s actually a lot to live up to, FYI.” She leans over him, thoughtful as his eyes darken with desire. “Do you think we should start with Fantasy Number One and work our way up, or should we count down, instead?”

 

“Definitely start at the beginning,” Murphy decides, lifting his hips just enough to make her gasp, “and you know I like a challenge.”

 

She does know. After all, he likes her. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then, what did you think of this one? You know I'd love to hear your thoughts, so press that little comment button down below and tell me so I can respond with a really long reply, because if you ever skim my comment sections, you'll see I like to do that, and plus conversation makes me more motivated to write something else!
> 
> The past couple of weeks have been a RIDE, right?! I feel like I'm getting yanked around on a yoyo with all the ups and downs. I appreciate everyone DM'ing and chatting about it in my tumblr inbox and I really don't know what to expect with the remaining episodes. I'm tied in knots just thinking about it! If you're not sure what I'm talking about - my tumblr lists it all and you can follow along with my insanity if you want. 
> 
> Anyway, there's a short t100 Kink Meme coming between now and the next ep - check me out at @easilydistractedbyfanfic on tumblr to learn more! It's every t100 pairing you can think of (and some you'd never expect), and you can send your own prompts - or write some - anonymously. It's a great way to get your feet wet! Holler if you wanna know more!


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